I am not sure what your reaction to this post will be, but I feel that it is the only way I can stop pretending. If I put these thoughts out there in the universe then I can no longer hide them and I have to face up to it and deal with it head on.
I am slowly sinking into a big black hole and I cant find a way to stop it. I am becoming a dark, cruel human being and I hate it. I am losing sight of who I am, my thoughts and aggression are taking over me and I am constantly fighting to control them but the past few days those feelings have surfaced.
Mr C and My children mean the world to me and I love them dearly but I feel that they would be better without me around. I am a very negative energy around them at the moment and I constantly worry how this is affecting them. My boys are happy and healthy but my patience is tested to boiling point and I am actually worried of how I may react. Please do not worry I would never hurt them, how can anyone ever hurt their own children but I am worried emotionally what my shouting and some of my comments may do to them. They know that I love them but I am starting to go stir crazy with frustration.
I have no purpose other then to clean, cook and organise. I have wrestled with depression all my life and when Mst H was born I had postnatal depression that I don't think has ever gone away. As the weeks go by I sink further and further and those nasty thoughts get stronger and stronger. Mr C has been telling me for months to go the doctor and ask for help but I cant! I am terrified of what they may do, I know that I am simply depressed and that it has to be based on my hormones as the week I start taking my pill I am at my worst.
My good days are far and few between and on a good day I convince myself that I don't need help, that I can mange these feelings myself!!! But after the past few days I have experienced I need help!
My moods and feelings swing from one extreme to the other. I am normally a calm, happy person and I haven't been that way for some time. I can put on a pretence for those visiting but it is draining me and making me worse.
I am sat fighting the tears as I have just been horrid to our new puppy as she has done a wee on the carpet (this is how I was advised to treat her) and I think it is making my feelings worse. I have made some positive progress and taken steps to booking us into proper puppy training classes. I do have wonderful feelings bubbling underneath as I can hear my boys playing trains, giggling and chasing each other and I remember that the way I feel inside is not how I really feel.
Tomorrow I shall ring the Doctors and start a journey to a better place.
I am sorry if any of this shocks or disgusts you, but I big thank you to all those supportive comments left on my last post and I promise that once my dark thought decrease I will be back to making things and happy posts will return.
Happy Positive Blessings
Mrs C x